My Two Cents

by Michele Tester

High Expectations

The Root of all Heartache?

Wisdom comes with age, right? I remember hearing that when I was young and thinking to myself, Well, that’s good, I’ll finally have answers to my questions and gain better insight. To be honest, the older I’ve gotten, the less I feel I understand about the world around me and the more questions I have. Albeit, there is a certain gaining of knowledge and understanding that comes by experiencing more and living more. I think the satirical quote by Oscar Wilde sums it up well: “With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.”

Yet, for all the infinite questions I still have, there is one thing that I’m certain has shaped and molded my experiences, one thing that I can look back on my life and plainly see their negative effects on me, one thing I’ve spent countless hours pondering over, one thing that I wish I had known their full power at a younger age: High Expectations.

Expectations are strong beliefs that something will happen or will be the case in the future, or the act or state of looking forward or anticipating something. To the point, expectations—high or low or otherwise—filter into everything you do, whether you realize it or not, and are constantly shaping your behavior. Our expectations determine our reality.

Expectations influence our actions. Let’s take a simple conversation with a friend as an example. You are expecting a conversation to go poorly with a friend because the last time you saw each other, you had a difference of opinion on something. This negative expectation can make you more defensive, right off the bat, which in turn can prompt your friend to react negatively, reinforcing your initial expectation. So, did your expectations alter how you interpreted the conversation? You bet. Expectations act as a filter for our reality by influencing what we notice, how we interpret events, and even what we experience, a phenomenon well supported by research in psychology and neuroscience.

High expectations in the case of believing you can achieve great things, often by setting challenging goals and higher standards, can be motivating. However, unrealistically high expectations can lead to pressure, anxiety, and disappointment if they are not met. What about expectations that are always too high? Well, that can lead to constant disappointment. And that includes high expectations of yourself, events, and other people.

I remember my wedding day. Everything had to be perfect. I envisioned the magical day in my head, down to every small detail. I even had high expectations of how I would feel. Already know the problem with all of this? You got it. There is no perfect…in anything. My wedding day, no matter how wonderfully it went—and it was wonderful—could never meet my high expectations. And because of those too-high expectations, even when one tiny thing went “wrong” that day, I was disappointed. Because, as we come to realize and hopefully accept the older we get, life never goes exactly as planned. We don’t have total control, or any for that matter, over how things will play out. Those pesky life variables are always at play, changing and altering.

As Dr. Phil always says, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” I have acknowledged my too-high expectations, and I’m working on keeping my expectations more realistic. Holding myself at bay when my mind starts fabricating how wonderful the experience is going to be, how every detail will play out, what everyone will think, and so forth. It’s not easy changing your spots, but it’s doable. I tell myself all the time now, “It will roll the way it’s going to roll.” Not exactly poetry, but it has teeth.

High or unrealistic expectations can be a significant root of heartache because emotional struggle and pain often arise from the gap between what we expect to happen and what actually happens. Simply working on letting go of the unwavering need for things to be a certain way can lead to greater peace, acceptance, and emotional resilience. Like I said before, this pertains to people and relationships, too. If you hold the people in your life to unobtainable expectations, you’ll always end up disappointed—and maybe eventually alone—because no one will ever be able to measure up to your unrealistic expectations of them.

Expectations—friend or foe? You can decide for yourself. I believe a healthy amount of realistic expectations can fuel motivation, encourage growth by pushing you to set and achieve goals, build self-confidence, and produce less anger or disappointment when things don’t go perfectly. But the key here is “realistic.”

I tell my husband that I would love to renew our vows. I would love another wedding. And I’m doing it “right” this time. No unreachable, impossible expectations. Just us, friends, family, and lots of fun.

Maybe I am wiser now that I’m older. I’d like to think so, anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. No high expectations for the day. Just roll with it. Be grateful and enjoy the time with your family. Don’t sweat it if the dessert slips out of your hands and onto the floor. It’ll be a good story for the following year.

That’s just my two cents.