My Two Cents

by Michele Tester

The Family We Choose

Friendship is both simple and complex. The simple truth: To HAVE a good friend, you have to BE a good friend. The complexities, well, they come from being human. From our shifting life stages, our personal growth, our evolving needs, our mounting expectations, our insecurities, our differences, and, whether you like it or not, social media’s influence. Friendship, like any relationship, requires ongoing effort, compassion, time, and the desire to maintain it. Simple, but complex.

When I was very young, probably around eight, I had a friend who lived one block over from me. We used to play every day—that we were allowed to, anyway—and we had so much fun together. As we grew, we started to shift in different directions. Then, she moved far away. We wrote letters back and forth all the way up until we were 16 years old. Then, we stopped. I can’t say I even remember why we both stopped. It was probably because we were teenagers, and we had so many other “important” things to do. I always regretted that I didn’t continue to write her. There’s nothing taking up so much of your time that you can’t take 10 minutes to sit and write someone a letter. I wonder what she is doing now?

Personally, I am not a fan of social media, and anyone who knows me well can attest to that. I know people who will debate with me that “You can connect with people, see what family and friends are doing, post pictures of your kids etc. so that family and friends can keep up with your life…” My theory has always been this: If someone is that important to me, I’m going to keep up and catch up with them in person. In my humble opinion, genuine friendships, the ones that last the distance, require real-life effort, not the superficial interactions found on social media.

As a woman, I believe female friendships are priceless. Not that I don’t think friendships for men are important. But female friendships typically focus more on emotional intimacy, conversation, support, and creating “heart-to-heart”” connections. It’s about someone really “getting” you—at your best and at your worse. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, but there are just some things he doesn’t “get,” and no amount of my explaining it will change that. Sorry, honey.

I’ve had many friends throughout my life so far—some of them good friends, some of them great friends, some of them toxic friends. I got smart and got rid of the toxic ones. And, I know that just because I’m older now doesn’t mean I can’t make new friends. You never know. But I know I won’t make them sitting inside.

When I moved to Thurmont, my oldest son was four. I didn’t know anyone here. When he went to Kindergarten the following year, I met a wonderful woman whom I am still friends with today. Her daughter was in the same class as my son. We still laugh about it today. How my son came home from school and told me, “Mommy, I have the smartest girl in my class…she can spell ‘elephant’!” We make the effort to get together, even if our lives are crazy, which I know mine often is. I still have one great friend from childhood. I try to reach out every few months and say, “It’s been too long; let’s meet for dinner to catch up.”

I can look back now and see why some of those long-ago friends drifted off. Honestly, some of them were my fault for not keeping close. Not making the effort. After time and marriage and kids, they faded away. I miss a few of them still. And, no, I’m not going to look them up on Facebook.

Like I said at the beginning of this writing, friendship is simple and complex. I’ve been reminded by a few friends of mine that I keep myself too guarded, reserved is the word they use. I am a great listener. I will listen with everything I’ve got and help however I can. No judgment. But sharing what’s going on with me is not so easy for me. I have a few good friends who are still working on me. And, I’m working on myself. Being vulnerable and sharing your authentic self is not easy, but it’s essential for a solid, lasting friendship.

So, since September is Friendship Month, let’s all celebrate friendship. Call a friend today, and set up a “date.” Meet for breakfast, for dinner, for drinks, for a walk…just meet. That’s just my two cents.

Cheers to all my friends, old and new.