MY TW0 CENTS

MICHEL TESTER

Love is a Verb

I LOVE YOU.

Three powerful words. Yet, the truth is, they are just that, words, unless they are followed up by actions. Love is a verb. It requires doing. The fact is that nothing truly worth having is ever without effort and sacrifice.

There are many types of love. There’s the love for your spouse, the love for your children, the love for your friends, the love for your pets. Yet, while different, all of these loves possess one commonality: They require effort and action.

My husband and I have been married for 32 years come April, and we’ve been together for 43. I was just 13 years old when we met, about a month shy of turning 14. We met in the early evening on the beach in Ocean City. Looking back, and after having my own children, I’m amazed my parents let me go out with him at such a young age! Maybe they knew something I didn’t. Or, since I was the youngest of five children, they were just tired. Either way, fate stepped in and destiny steered our path. We trudged through the trials and turbulences of high school and our teenage years, through the college years of figuring out who we were and who we wanted to be, on to the married years, navigating life, work, home, and children. No easy feat. But it’s not supposed to be.

One important thing that I’ve learned over my lifetime so far, and I’m still learning every day: What I do each day for those I cherish, how I love, the thought I put into the way I show my love, that’s everything.

Love, in any form, requires action to sustain it and for it to grow. Love is not a passive state, but rather a conscious choice you make every day.

I can say I love someone all day long, but unless I show that love in how I treat and care for that person or animal, well, it simply doesn’t mean much, does it? It’s just words. When my children were young, I would tell them a story about two siblings, a brother and a sister. The brother would tease the sister, poking her again and again, then say, “I’m sorry” after each poke. I would explain to them that the words “I’m sorry” are meaningless if you don’t change the behavior. We can all get caught up in the words, perceiving a weight to them that doesn’t exist without an action. My mother would get extremely mad at us when my siblings and I were young if we dared to say the word “hate.” She would tell us, “That’s a very strong word. You should never use that word loosely.” But, to us, it was just that, a word. “I hate lima beans.” That was a reoccurring one in our house. Words followed by no action or intent—whether we want to accept it or not and whether we like it or not—are just words.

There are several key actions that are important to take every day to ensure that your love is a verb and not a noun.

Communicate. This is a huge one. The act of communicating is not one person talking the whole time. I believe the most important action in this key step is listening, a vital trait that seems to be diminishing these days. Express feelings openly and honestly, and really listen to what the other person is saying. For couples, maybe mark a date on the calendar, at least once every month, where you have a “date” to sit and talk about how things are going, how you are feeling, and what each person can do to make it even better.

Commit. To commit to someone is to make the choice to be dedicated to the relationship and to not bail when times get rough. It’s a promise to support each other and work together as a team toward a shared future.

It’s the Little Things. It’s not the big grandiose gestures, but rather the little, everyday things you do for a loved one that are truly special and meaningful. As I was writing this column, my husband came upstairs to tell me he was leaving for work. A few minutes later, I went downstairs to get another cup of tea. Placed on the kitchen counter were Q-tips, spelling out the words, “I LUV YOU.” A thoughtful, small gesture that means a lot.

Empathize. It’s not always easy to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, but in terms of the importance of trying to in a relationship, it’s essential. Even if you can’t really relate or understand what your partner is feeling, make an effort to try to see things from their perspective and validate their feelings. This is a hard one for some people. But, it’s absolutely indispensable in building a strong connection.

Sacrifice. This is a huge one, too. Unfortunately, I think this is also diminishing in our society today. Selfishness and self-gratification seem on the rise, a me-first kind of attitude. However, in true love lies true sacrifice. It’s putting someone else’s needs before your own. This does not mean that you are always put second, but rather, you are choosing to prioritize what your partner needs. Like everything in life, balance is key. Sacrifices need to be balanced and not one-sided to foster a healthy, solid relationship.

Quality Versus Quantity. Quality time is important. This spans over every kind of love. Being a mother, I always prioritized time with my kids, not always all together, but individually. I felt it was essential that I had individual time with them on a one-on-one basis, especially as they got a little older. When they were in school, I would make special plans to take each one out to breakfast several times over the year. I would call it their “appointment with Mom.” One time, my oldest son and I stayed at Bollinger’s Restaurant for three hours, just talking, before I brought him back to the high school. My kids still remember these “appointments with Mom,” and even though they are grown, two living out on their own, I still make “appointments” with them individually to go out and catch up, one-on-one.

Compromise is another important one. I could go on and on…but I’m running out of room! The simple truth is this: We all need to love as a verb. Who we are lies in what we do. Plain and simple. But powerful. Love equals action. Love grows and thrives in the conscious choices we make, and not in just our feelings.

But that’s just my two cents.