Page 32 - April Banner 2018_Neat

Page 32 April 2018
Reality? Not Really.
by Valerie Nusbaum
Your friend Randy has decided
that it would be a great idea for us
to star in our own reality television
show. He thinks that having a
camera crew follow us around
all day, every day, would make
for some terrific TV. I’m pretty
sure that’s not going to happen.
First, because the people from
Hollywood wouldn’t consider us
interesting enough, and second, I’m
not doing that.
No way do I want someone
documenting my every move and
conversation. Can you imagine
what that would be like? I’d be
getting sued every week for saying
something politically incorrect,
not to mention the fact that my
appearance first-thing in the
morning would scare off the crew.
Since the hubby isn’t going to
get his own show, he says that
he’ll settle for getting a slot on an
already existing program. Randy
likes Survivor, and he’s pretty
sure he could make it the entire
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thirty-nine days out in the wild,
even though he’d be the “old” guy
on the tribe. He can make fire.
I know this because he yells at
the TV when the show is on and
calls the contestants bad names
when they can’t do anything right.
Randy can hunt and fish, so he’d
be responsible for feeding his tribe.
That’s an important job because
the tribe members need to eat to
keep up their strength. The only
drawback that I can see to Randy
being on Survivor would come
during the episode where the family
members visit. I don’t think any
of Randy’s family would show up.
I know I certainly don’t want to
travel halfway around the world
to spend the night in some hovel,
filled with dirty, stinky people, even
if one of them is my husband. I can
sleep with him at home when he’s
dirty and stinky if I want to, but I
don’t. There’s also that whole “eat
a bug” thing. Contestants’ family
members are usually put on the
spot in some kind of challenge to
win a reward. I’m not eating any
bugs, nor am I eating any intestines
or other gross animal parts that are
considered delicacies in other parts
of the world. That’s not gonna
happen; therefore, Randy would
lose the game.
With Survivor no longer an
option, my dear husband has
decided that we should team up for
The Amazing Race. Unfortunately,
there are disgusting eating contests
on that show, too; as stated before,
I draw the line at eating things I’m
not familiar with. I also don’t want
to do any of the water challenges,
and I am scared to death of heights.
Randy has my blessing to find
another partner for this show, but
he seems to think that him going off
with Steve or Andrew for several
weeks defeats the purpose of us
becoming reality stars together. It’s
a sacrifice I’m willing to make to
allow my husband’s dreams to come
true. Plus, I’d get a whole month of
“me” time, and I could take baths
in my tub and sleep in my own bed. is that Randy would love being
We can’t become contestants on
either American Idol or The Voice
because neither of us can sing.
Dancing With the Stars should
exclude us due to the fact that
neither of us is a star; although,
in recent seasons of that show, the
actual stars have been few and far
between, so we might actually stand
a chance of making the cast. Randy
is a pretty good dancer, but don’t
ask him to do the tango. Seriously.
American Ninja Warrior would
be the ultimate challenge. We both
love that show. The problem is that
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the only way we’d make it there is
if the producers were looking for
two really old and rickety examples
of what not to do.
We could try out for Naked and
Afraid, but I’m afraid to be naked
and there’s that whole dirt and bugs
thing again.
This leaves us with the Real
Housewives franchise. If Andy
Cohen ever comes to Thurmont and
puts out a call for auditions, I’m
all in. Can’t you just picture it? A
real housewives show with REAL
women! There’d be no swanky
parties, no hair and makeup people,
and no jets or limousines. Instead,
I and the other “housewives”
would get together and discuss
our very real problems, while we
shopped for groceries and put gas
in our cars. We’d go to work, and
then we’d go to dinner at Mountain
Gate and eat real food with nary
a drop of alcohol in sight. When
the name-calling and hair-pulling
commenced, we couldn’t blame
it on intoxication. The best part
a trophy husband. Sadly, I don’t
see “The Real Housewives of
Thurmont” happening any time
soon, even though a lot of my
friends and neighbors have the
potential to become overnight
sensations.
My only other option is to
relent and make a real reality show
with Randy. My vision is of the
cameraman being set up behind our
couch, filming the backs of our heads
as we watch television and make fun
of everyone on the “reality” shows. I
think it could work.
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