by Cupid, G.O.A.L. (God Of Archery & Love, an honorary degree from Olympus University)
I was winging my way over the Catoctin Mountain the other day when an errant arrow, launched by a local young lady, sent me tumbling into a tree. I came crashing down pretty hard. It was scary. I’m Cupid. I don’t do scary well. The brown stain in my diaper can attest to that.
The lady apologized for nearly skewering me. Then she added, “I saw the diaper and the wings and thought you were a stork carrying a big, ugly baby my way.”
I took exception to that. My nose may be big, but it’s not that big. Besides, I have better-looking legs than a stork.
Anyway, she told me that The Catoctin Banner Newspaper had a Valentine-themed issue coming up. She asked me, since I am the leading expert on archery, love, and romance, if I would give readers some tips for Valentine’s Day.
I told her, “Sure. Here’s the first tip: Be sure about what you’re shooting at! Don’t tick off the guy bringing the loving!”
She grinned and said, “Maybe I did get what I was aiming for. You’re here, aren’t you?”
She had a point, and it was at the end of the arrow that she was casually aiming in my direction. So here’s my second tip: Women! You can’t live with them, and you can’t outrun them if they are armed.
As I was shopping in Jubilee Market in Emmitsburg for some clean Depends in my size, I came up with a few more tips that I thought I would pass along for those of you who don’t mind advice from a god whose mom was the goddess of love and whose dad was the god of war.
Don’t use a bow that’s too powerful. Be realistic in your expectations of what you can accomplish for Valentine’s Day. If you have your heart set on a moonlight kiss while standing on the Eiffel Tower, you’ll be disappointed with anything realistic that you can actually do. So plan something you can actually pull off.
Sharp arrows penetrate. So do words. If you want to tell your romantic partner something, make it genuine and from the heart. It will have more impact than a greeting card.
Aim for the heart. It’s all about romance. What does your romantic partner love? Try to include that in your planning.
Wear a secure diaper. Like I just said, it’s all about romance. Don’t be in such a rush to get your clothes off. Enjoy the time together.
Make sure to have plenty of arrows. Have a backup plan in case something falls through. It doesn’t have to be elaborate because you shouldn’t need it. Just in case, though, you’re prepared.
Keep your wings out of the way. Not everyone can pull off wings like I can. Fancy is nice, but it’s not necessary. You’ll want to plan something that your romantic partner can connect with.
Make sure your bow is well strung. Get your mind out of the gutter! I wrote strung! Anyway, they say women don’t care so much about that. That’s another reason I wear a diaper.
Accuracy is important. Know what your goal is. You shouldn’t want to make things about you. Making yourself happy is a pleasant side effect. You’ll want to aim for making your romantic partner happy.
Don’t give up accuracy for speed. Take your time as your plans reveal themselves. Don’t rush for the hoped-for outcome. Enjoy the journey and being with someone you love.
Find the right place to hunt. Know where things will take place. Plan out your evening to make it special. If something requires reservations or set-up beforehand, don’t wait until the last minute.
Practice in low light. Game usually isn’t out in bright sunlight, so hunters need to get used to hunting in low-light conditions. The same is true if you’re hunting romance. Nothing helps set the mood better than dim light. Besides, don’t we all look better in candlelight?
Shoot for something. You eventually have to take the shot. Do something. You might mess up, but at least you tried. Don’t waste the most romantic day of the year watching NASCAR on television.
So there you have it, my friends. Sure-fire tips to make sure you hit your target on Valentine’s Day. Will they work? Of course, they will. If you can’t trust a love god who has lived for centuries, who can you trust?
